Sunday, August 23, 2015

If Marty and Renee Lived in the White House

Seeing as how The Donald has been included in the race for the nomination we have been inspired to have many a conversation in the truck as we go to and fro doing errands. Like yesterday. We had to drive up to Cottonwood to pick up a flock of 10 guinea fowl. The guinea fowl are to be The Final Solution to the scourge of rattlesnakes we find ourselves (maybe) in. More about that later. 

On the drive we wax poetic and let our creative juices go to imagine what life would be like if we got elected president and we lived in The White House. It is a fun thing to think about. All sorts of wacky ideas come out that inspire our laughter. Laughter is good. Here are a few ideas we had:

1. There'd be a roping arena on the East Lawn for Marty to ride in and stables nearby to keep his horses. As President he wouldn't be restricted as to how many horses he has if he was President. If I was POTUS I would absolutely let him have as many horses as he has time for. Marty, if you recall, believes in "He who dies with the most horses wins." The only thing keeping him back now is poverty. Poverty is no small thing.

2. There would be a big (I mean BIG as in HUGE) garden for Renee to have any and all the vegetables that she wants. The produce would go for the State Dinners. There would also be pigs and a steer (or two) for meat and chickens for meat and eggs.  There would also be a dairy cow and some goats for milk, butter and homemade cheese. All this would go for the regular family dinners and all the entertaining the White House does. Any extra would be given away to charity or the public.

3. We'd let go most of the cleaning staff. Why does The White House need to be so clean? We'd re-assign most of the cleaning staff to tending the animals and the gardens. It's more fun outside anyway. Who needs such a clean White House? (Remember that "Dust if you must..." poem?). If huge dust bunnies build up under the bed in the Lincoln bedroom we wouldn't mind and we'd tell the guests to just go outside and have some fun in the gardens or look at the horses and not the dust bunnies.

4. We'd have indoor cats instead of dogs. Dogs need to be outside to bark at strangers such as dignitaries from other countries. We need dignitaries from other countries to know that if they sent in stealth fighters that it wouldn't be easy to get in. They need to know that Teddy and Sam would let us know if someone was creeping about. The cats on the other hand would have the run of the place to provide entertainment and catch mice. We don't need no stinkin' exterminators and all that poison being sprayed.

5. This is going to be an organic White House. For example, if flies get to be a problem we're going to hang fly paper strips around the place. It doesn't matter if they're not really good decor. They serve a purpose and a good one. They're better than spray poison. If rodents become a problem we're going to set Hav-a-Heart traps and relocate the prisoners to Delaware.

6. There's going to be Blue grass music playing in the offices and in the private quarters. There's going to be hoe-downs and Cajun concerts on the Lawn.

7. There won't be any need for Secret Service. They can help muck out the horse stalls. There won't be any need for Secret Service because when I go shopping for clothes, for example, it will be at the local Good Wills and second hand stores. People will say hello to me and feel like I'm one of them because, guess what? I am. When Marty goes places to give a speech he will be packin'. He's certified with the Bakersfield PO-lice department. Nuf Sed. Anyway, who wants to assassinate their neighbor?

(Long, reflective pause)

Maybe I better re-think that one.

8. There won't be any special interest conflicts. We're old fashioned like Harry Truman and we won't be taking any special interest money. It's just going to be old fashioned practical thinking when we're in the White House. There will be a re-birth of New Deal. People won't be on welfare any more. We'll start re-building the roads, picking up trash, taking care of the kids while the parents work and everyone will have a job and no one will be on the dole unless they are physically incapacitated. Even the average mentally ill can work. There are plenty of things to be done to improve this country and we should be doing them. We shouldn't be focused on illegal immigrants who are working their butts off at low paying, dangerous or hot, dirty jobs that Americans won't do. We'll let the teachers teach, the farmers farm, the workers work and everyone will get a fair wage for a fair days work.

If The Donald can pontificate so can I!


  1. My dad and Marty would get along great as "he who dies with the most horses wins!" is his motto as well. I love this list. Can I come visit when you get to the White House? Sounds like it would be my kind of place, finally.

  2. If I wasn't deathly afraid of getting up in public (and broker than broke) I would casually consider running on the Comedy Ticket.